numb

its amazing how such a small thing can snap you back to reality. feel like i’ve just been slapped real hard. a kind numbness has washed over me. thought i had it all figured out, but now i know i haven’t. and i hate it.

sweet memories

met up with my girlfriends from secondary school. the 4/7 girls. its like nothing has changed save a few cigarettes punctuated by the occasional swearing. we just gossiped and bitched and talked about nothing for hours until they finally kicked us out of starbucks. it was just like the old days. laughing till we can’t understand what each other is saying but knowing innately what the other is trying to voice. we’ve all changed and yet we haven’t, you know? i can honestly tell you that no matter what friends you make in poly (and you know i love you all many many and plenty plenty) theres something different about growing up with people. experiencing everything together for the first time; from barbie to spice girls to boys to teachers to life in general. it’s crazy and i love it.

just a pity i can’t go mambo with you girls tomorrow. have dinner with the other girls. speaking of which. i wonder when rox, corinne, sam and i are going to meet up. its long overdue.

but no matter which group, its always “lets go mambo”. does mambo make the world go round?

3 years

sitting in the office and missing my friends terribly.

3 years seems to have passed in the twinkle of an eye but sometimes it has seemed like a lifetime.

3 years.

3 years links all my friends in time. 3 years since i’ve seen you. 3 years since i haven’t seen you everyday. 3 years since i’ve been seeing you everyday.

3 years ago life made sense.

back when it was easy and each day was lived just to get to the next.

we had some good times didn’t we?

we’ve had good time haven’t we?

i’m not a good friend and i’m so sorry.

pictures of heikal’s birthday

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEIKAL!

well i already gave you a hug yesterday but anyway, happy belated birthday to youuu~

it felt so good to meet up with you girls (and boy) FINALLY. i know its been long overdue, on my part at least.

thanks for everything. if you could find true love in friends, i found that in you.

“The odd thing about this form of communication is that you’re more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.” -You’ve Got Mail

so thanks

___________________

don’t you think that You’ve Got Mail is one of the most romantic shows ever made? its perfect and no matter how many times i watch it, i never get sick of it. and eventhough i know exactly what is going to happen, like Kathleen regarding Pride and Prejudice, “I get lost in the language–words like thither, mischance, felicity. I’m always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really going to get together”. although i know, without a doubt, that they will and have to get together. thats what great movies are. they affect people in different ways. Over and over again. i love it.

Joe Fox: [talking via email, to who he doesn’t know is Kathleen Kelly] Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora’s box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condecension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away… you zing them. “Hello it’s Mr Nasty”. I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about…

Kathleen Kelly: [talking via email, to who she doesn’t know is Joe Fox] No I know exactly what you mean and I’m completely jealous. When I’m confronted by someone I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said. For example what should I have recently said to…

[meaning confrontation with Joe]

Kathleen Kelly: …a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existance.

[stops and thinks]

Kathleen Kelly: Nothing… even now days later I still can’t figured it out…

Joe Fox: Wouldn’t it be great if I could pass all my zingers to you, then I could always be nice and you could be nasty whenever you wanted to be. Although I must warn you… when you eventually have the pleasure of saying the thing you want to say at the moment you’re wanting to say it… remorse eventually follows…

i don’t care who you are. you need to watch it if you haven’t.

The girl in the other room
She knows by now
There’s something in all of her fears
Now she wears it thread bare
She sits on the floor
The glass pressed tight to the wall
She hears murmurs low
The paper is peeling
Her eyes staring straight at the ceiling

Baby be there
Or maybe it’s nothing at all
As she draws lipstick smears on the wall

The girl in the other room
She powders her face
And stares hard into her reflection

The girl in the other room
She stifles a yawn
Adjusting the strap of her gown
She tosses her tresses
Her lover undresses
Turning the last night light down
What’s that voice we’re hearing
We should be sleeping
Could there be someone who’s weeping
Maybe she’s there
Maybe there’s nothing to see
Just a trace of what used to be

The girl in the other room
She darkens her lash and blushes
She seems to look familiar

ouch…

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm – easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You’re an instantly passionate person – and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

like it was yesterday

It was a strange feeling, seeing my dad being wheeled into the operating room. Knowing that he was going to have his chest cut open and lie there while someone cut the arteries running to his heart.

It goes against nature, against instinct. You know that this isn’t possible; for someone to cut you up and stitch you back and expect you to be okay. And yet I hoped. Hoped, even though every bone in my body was telling me otherwise, that maybe nature will look the other way today. Maybe today, he’ll be ok. And tomorrow, he’ll be better.

And so we waited, seconds turned to minutes to hours. All silently hoping and praying but no one wanting to admit it. The air was stifling despite the cool breeze. Breathing was a chore and time just stood still. My heart felt like it was going to burst and every so often, it would beat so hard that my chest hurt.

It feels like it was just yesterday. But yesterday is just another day and I will enjoy all my todays and tomorrrows with him, my pillar of strength.

makes me wonder

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

I still don’t have the reason
And you don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don’t believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So this is goodbye

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you’re going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don’t have the reason
And you don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don’t believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you’re feeling
But I don’t believe it’s true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I’ve been here before
One day I’ll wake up
And it won’t hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don’t have a meaning
Cause

I still don’t have the reason
And you don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I…and so this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don’t believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you’re feeling
But I don’t believe it’s true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye