well, its been a crazy couple of weeks. my life, as its turning out, is so damn OC-like. one thing after another in all aspects of my life. the hits just keep coming and coming. what alarms me is that i’m more amused than anything else. yea sure, i’ve reacted to every situation in every way you can possibly imagine but now, i’m so over it.
it’s interesting that in most situations, you have 2 ways of reacting: angry or sad. and sometimes its a little of both. but seriously, choose the angry. hit something, swear, scream, run away, vent. its easy to deal with the angry.
the sad? thats all there is to it. just you and your sad thoughts which make you sadder.
there’s no escaping sad.
for the moment, i’m just going to watch my life play out in front of me like some sitcom cos to be honest, i really don’t have the energy to bother anymore. what can i say? you can’t win ‘em all. its an amazing zen level of can’t be fucked.
don’t get me wrong. i’m far from jaded and cynical. i’d like to think i’ll always have my naivity and hopefulness. but i have also learned when it’s just naive to allow yourself to be naive.
shit happens. people let you down all the time but i hope i’ll always feel disappointed when they do because if i don’t, it means that i never expected anything of them in the first place, or worse, that i expected them to let me down before they even had a chance to.
which leads me to wonder how many people i’ve let down along the way. i can make excuses. i was young. i was scared. i didn’t know how to deal with it. but it just boils down to the fact that i wasn’t there when i should have been. and its at the last moments, when time has run out before you realised or wanted it to, that you are suddenly aware of all the mistakes that you’ve made and how you can never go back and make it right.
sometimes its like you need to make a huge mistake so that you’ll notice all the little mistakes and then, all you’re left with is a huge mess that you made in the first place. its like a cumulative cause and effect situation, like dominos falling.
and when you think about all the shit happening. family, friends, school. you get to thinking that maybe happy ever after isn’t all that important anymore. and happy right now is enough. just one day at a time. step by step. and then maybe, just maybe, i’ll get my happy ever after.
