“You are a child of this universe.
No less than the trees and the stars:
You have a right to be here.
And whether it is clear to you or not,
no doubt the world is unfolding as it should.”
i’m grateful that the world has stopped spinning on its axis, for a little while at least. it’s time to gain some perspective.
It’s funny that what seemed so important 5 months ago is becoming less and less so. Not that i don’t want to get my degree but it’s becoming more and more clear that I don’t need it to succeed in the film industry. Of course this is something that I’ve always known but I feel as though, if for nothing else, I need to go to gain some perspective. To understand that the world holds more than what this little red dot has to offer. I’m at a loss. Spending $150,000 to gain perspective seems a little excessive.
But I feel that I need to get away. Away from everyone I know and start fresh. Grow up some. I need to know that I can make it on my own and take care of myself. I’m so tired of letting people take care of me. Which, oddly enough, shouldn’t be tiring. Well, maybe not tiring as it is trying. It’s so trying to be working something out for yourself when everyone else is telling you how to do it.
I read a poem a long time ago and I still remember it. It was called “Please listen”. Which is exactly what I feel like alot of the time.
“When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem
You have failed me
Strange as that may seem”
I guess it brings me back to my epiphany that friends are supposed to support your decision no matter what. Your best friends are supposed to tell you the truth. Which is what I’ve tried to explain to alot of people to no avail. You see. When you get to the crux of it. You need people to support you. You need people to say “Yes, I’m there no matter what and I’m happy if you’re happy”. Call it blind loyalty. It’s knowing that you can fuck everything up and you won’t be alone to pick up the pieces. But you will always need your devils advocate to make you think if what you’ve done is the best thing to do. Enter best friend. But the importance of having a best friend is that if you do screw up, he/she’s not going to rub it in your face and say “I told you so”. It’s the art of knowing what was going to happen and acting like you didn’t. Like seeing your friends heading for a cliff. Telling her she’s heading for a cliff. And when she does go over the edge, running down to the bottom and being genuinely suprised that she fell. Noone likes to know that someone expected them to fail.
But see, sometimes I just say things for the sake of saying it. I verbalise what’s going on in my head to figure out if it makes as much sense once it’s been said.
I feel so adolescent. Its like “Look at me! Look at me! Listen to me! Listen! Listen!” Which isn’t what I mean at all. And just because I fell doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you telling me that I was going to fall. I just chose not to listen to you. I hardly know where this is leading to but I’m just going to ride with it and see if my train of thought leads me to a significant end. And please don’t ask me what happened cos nothing did. I’m just saying this for the sake of saying it. Maturity is ridiculously elusive these days.
I wish many things. I wish I could go whereever I wanted for uni. I wish I could tell my mum everything, without her interrupting or telling me why I shouldn’t feel that way. I wish the people I love would never die. I wish people wouldn’t grow old. I wish I could see a miracle a day.
But thats the point of wishes. They are but wishful thinking. Dreams on the other hand are actually achievable. Done any dreaming lately?
