its time to move on from this blog. thanks for reading.

i’ll be seeing you
in all the old familiar places
that this heart of mine embraces
all day through
in that small cafe
the park across the way
the carousel
the wishing well
i’ll find you in the morning sun
and when the night is new
i’ll be looking at the moon
but i’ll be seeing you

xx

thats what i have and what i don’t have.

no its not an analogy.

guess which is which.

the first time i had a really good time in a long time.
butterflies in my tummy

do you ever wonder what it would be like to die? just like that. would you be ready?

have you done all the things you wanted to do? spoken to all the people you wanted to tell something? to stand at the gates of mortality and have no regrets.

what is it to live? what is life? what is the measure of success? such subjective questions are these and yet i know what i want out of my life.

love.

such a simple answer yet it perplexes me no end.

what is love? how do you measure love? if i was willing to die to let you live, is that love? if i gave you the cream side of the oreo, is that love?  if i let you have the covers? but if i didn’t do all these things, isn’t it still possible for me to love you?

what is this but a physical manifestation of an emotional concept? and if this emotion manifests itself differently than what the books and other people say, does it mean i don’t love you?

just because i do not love like you do does that mean i do not love you?

but if love is just a feeling. what of the  word itself? what does it mean and entail when you tell someone “I love you”. is this a commitment? an agreement? why does it need to be said? what is the purpose?

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget you head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, truth is, there is no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t live at all. You have to try, Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”

when i die. i’ll ask myself 2 things. did i love? and did i get enough nice pictures? no. not photographs. did i get enough nice pictures in my head of my life – people, places, experiences.  

did i get enough nice pictures?

but we are all just trying to figure it out, aren’t we? trying to figure out life? trying to live?

so live. and stop trying to understand it. it will come to us.

She sits at her desk and thinks about the treatment she should be writing. The deadline impending like an ominous cloud yet she cannot not pull herself away from doing other unimportant things. She muses at the fact that her sense of urgency seems to have died a natural death and wonders if she’ll ever have that drive which is so neccessary to excel in her career. She wonders why she has no motivation. ‘Oh yes’, it dawns on her. ’I hate corporate videos.’

just waiting for you to realise that you forgot.
but its ok. i forgot that you did.
so i guess this is where we are now.

love you with all my heart

i miss having a group of friends so big you had to join up about 3 table just to fit us all.. and now one table is enough to house us.

anyway, just wanted to send some love out into the universe. thanks heikal for midnight ranting session.

01. bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed (drove up)a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. done a striptease
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. stayed up all night long and watch the sun rise
15. seen the northern lights
16. gone to a huge sports game
17. walked the stairs to the top of leaning tower of pisa
18. grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. touched an iceberg
20. slept under the stars
21. changed a baby’s diaper
22. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. watched a meteor shower
24. gotten drunk on champagne
25. given more than you can afford to charity
26. looked up the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts (for a moment)
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to government’s official to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made you dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark (i am ashamed)
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a (toy) house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Had a Brazilian Wax
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a cheque
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read – and understood – your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. … more than once? – More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a seizure
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle (pillion)
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. … and gotten 86ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt!
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested